Being The Eldest

I am the eldest in the family thus making my position full of responsibility, which is not a big deal because I know I am capable to handle them. Unless when it comes to feeling.

 
Being the eldest means that I have to comply with my mum’s need. It’s not that I don’t want to but sometime I have my own things to do and have planned my own events. More than often I find myself sacrificing my own amusement to make my mother happy. Yet when I could not she would go berserk, refusing to talk to me for days and sometimes weeks. I even ran away from home once because the thought of seeing her and be ignored was unbearable.

 
I know it is my duty to please her but I also know it is not mine alone. What about the rest of the other siblings who always get away from doing things be it for her or with her. Sometimes when I seek for their help, they would throw me hundreds of excuses and at the end I will always be the one to be blamed.

 
Because I did not pull the family together.

 
It is not my intention to neglect my mum but I would be more than glad if she could understand that I needed to be treated fairly. It is not always I fail to fulfill her orders so silent treatment and cold stares are definitely not appropriate. And I would appreciate if she could not use phrases like “When it comes to you, I gave my best” because no matter how I want to believe them, the past always haunts me.

 
It is not easy to forget that you had to struggle on your own when you are only fifteen, knowing that you have a mother. It is not easy to forget you could not defend yourself towards the accusation that had been thrown to you knowing that your mother, who was supposed to be the one who defended you decided to listen and to acknowledge another party rather than her own child.

 
Maybe you see me as an ungrateful daughter but believe me, I love my mother maybe even more than I love myself.

 
Just that sometimes I need to feel appreciated.

 

 

On Countering and Duplicating

Remember the sensational blog that I talked about in my previous post? Things are getting spicier than before.

There’s another blog created to counter that blog. Sadly, that blog is obviously not in the same league with the original one. The counter blog is simply created out of anger and stupidity. Why did I say stupidity? Because of the points written by the blogger does not hit any targets. It is like shooting with two eyes close.

On the second and third post the blogger tried harder but sincerely I think she should just stop and continue writing in her or his old blog. Why am I saying this? Because I think the blogger might be one of the victim or even those who were mildly mentioned in the original blog.

Okay. I am not supporting the original blog. Yes it is exciting to read the entries and the comments, but I think somehow this blog is getting too vindictive. Not the blogger but the readers and those who comments. I even find myself itching to type comments sometimes :P especially there was this one particular commenter that really irk me. The way he write his comments – note the “s”. Oh, he was one of the subjects too and I think he deserved it. Because of his stupidity thinking that what a smart person he is. Ok this is the evil part of me talking here.

Apart from that, another blog which resembles the original blog derived. Now, this really ticked me off. Not because I had enough of people bashing – well maybe this too but because I can’t tolerate duplication of idea and copycat. If you want to be known, to receive credits and to feel good about anything, get your own idea!

Example, I hate it when I buy something not locally and did an extensive research on that product – I usually do this, spent days and weeks sometimes, only to find a friend of mine bought the exact thing after knowing where I bought my things from. Later mildly asked whether or not it’s okay for her to do it. Of course it is not fucking okay, but she bought it already didn’t she? Or something similar in patterns, let’s say. It is frustrating, I don’t know why I am like this but this is just me. And I hate it when people duplicate my ideas for some paperwork or presentation. How do I know it’s a duplication of my work? Well usually I show them mine as an e.x.a.m.p.l.e when they are stuck with theirs. But this fucktards just simply copy the whole idea. With a little alteration here and there but the big picture is still there.


I don’t know what do the others think about it but this is my piece of opinion.

Xiaxue on Obama

One of my favourite blogger, Xiaxue got bashed because of her entry about Obama. Unlike the rest of the world she had a different opinion on Obama.

Well, truthfully I am pleased that Obama won because he might just be the right solution to the America economy crisis – that will be soon spread to Malaysia by March and April next year and he might just stop all the bombing to those poor vindicated citizen on Iraq. And all the wonderful things he wrote in his speech. A new breath of fresh air.

I always think Xiaxue’s writing is honest and blatant. Including the Obama entry although I might not agree with some of her points. The thing is, most of the readers who commented on that post expressed their angry as if Xiaxue had insulted their God! Come on, he is just a guy and it is tad early to guzzle all the words and letters in his speech. They might be virtuous but how veritable can they be? Only time will tell but we on the other side should not be too gullible. I am sure everybody who wants to run for President will have such awe aspiring speech. I am not saying that he’s mendacious or anything but the truth is yet to be proven, so do not hail him as if he is the God.

And it is her opinion anyway, although I must say she did it in an emotional and not so smart way. I always told myself and my colleagues; yes we can give comments, idea and differ to certain statement/facts but do it in an intelligent way. Do it when you can freeze your emotion. Because when you let your emotion blend with your, things will go nasty.

Still I think she deserves to have her own opinion.

"That" Blog

Have you heard about the latest hottest blog on the block? This particular blog criticises other blogs and made fun of them.

Brilliant cum wicked.

Goody. I totally dig hot gossips like this and to tell you the truth I enjoy reading her writings. Some of them deserved to be criticise because they are lacking of ethics and self respects. Or plainly because they think too highly of themselves.

I agreed on some points but I would like to highlight some opinion here. Some of the comments given are too emotional. In my humble opinion, yes we can comment but no need to use ruthless word like babi, fuck you and such to these people because you are just commenting when the blogger who wrote the article did not even use these words.

Secondly, if you want to bang that certain blogger, just bang the blogger but leave the family, spouse or event their pets alone. It is the blogger who needed to be scrubbed not the people who live around them.

Thirdly, I can see lots of people are so into this blog because this blog exist only for a week or two but he hits are more than 2K now! My point, if everybody starts bashing on every single aspect, where is the beauty of blogging? The truth, I love to read crappy blogs – but yet to leave any comments. These blogs are my source of entertainment and it is an awe to see how people can push themselves either to lie, to fantasize or even to become narcissist in blogs.

Now I bet everybody would be more careful when they write hence killing the fun.

The Good Looking One

Out of many, Mr. Tall was my favourite boyfriend. Reasons, he was the best looking, the fairest, the tallest and the most popular. Being with him really made me feel so worthy. The feeling is almost like walking in public wearing Blahnik with Marc Jacobs in my hand.

Every eyes will be on me and it felt good when people complimented “Oh My God, your boyfriend is so handsome!”. It did felt good, like I won some achievement award in the office and smile sheepishly as my boss present it to me.

I only felt that feeling once, because the rest that lies on the exes list were either short, stupid, loser or just average. Which was a good match for me, if we are looking on the surface. So that guy is something that I should never deserve at the first place, something that I will never have.

That relationship marked the happiest moment above all too. Since he was popular, our activities were always enjoyable, surrounded by cool people. I must have enjoyed the attention given to me back then. The only thing that I bothered me was, he asked for a blow job on our first day together. That is so typical and rubbish but I gave in somehow. Maybe because I wanted to please him. Let’s not go to the sex part. It made me wince when I think about it.

That is the thing; I really wanted to please him. Looking back, I had across the own border that I created to do nonsensical things for him. Example drove in the middle of the night, alone to see him when his house was like in some land I never went before. And I even agreed to go dutch rather than being treated like the royal highness.

If my mind were not so full of love shape, I would have seen that he was not a perfect guy for me. But the physical appearance was too blinding. Who does not want good looking partner on the first hand? I know I do.

The thing is with good looking people, they think their existence really matter. They expect people to follow their words and they can trash you whenever they want.

That what happened to me.

He did it without any falter, without any guilt, without any blink.

I am supposed to abhor him because I did not deserved getting dumped just like that but I guess I am a sucker for good looks, at the end I forgave him. Putting everything behind us.

But after this, no more good looking fella. Not that they will want to hook up with me anyway.

That one was just merely luck.

She Is Marrying Him

I just found out that an old friend of mine is going to marry a celebrity, who I detest. The thing was, I used to bumped into him either holding a beer in his hand or holding some chicks in his embrace. But that was then, before they met I am sure. There is this vibes about him too that make him want to slap his face. And now, she is marrying him.

I found out by browsing through her facebook profile and I stumbled across some other pictures too. Of her and our friends going for holidays and fooling around. That circle used to includes me. But somehow, I decided to repel from the ring because some of them are obnoxious pompous pigs yet I missed the good old times.

Now my life is more control and tranquil but this is no charade, I get bored with it sometimes. There were times that I wished I could go back to my old life not knowing what to do tomorrow just savour the day as it is and party like tomorrow never comes. Oh not to mention to rub shoulders with the rich and famous. I missed that but that does not mean I love doing it. I think you should know by now, how tarty and arrogant the rich and famous are. At certain point, I thought I was jealous but tell me can you go worshipping and nod yes, yes you are so pretty and great to a person all the time? Not to mention to listen to their bragging story? I know I can’t.

I was born normal and most of circle of friends came from normal background mostly with middle economy class. We still had fun but this rich and famous, although the activity that we did together was groovy and I don’t have to spend a single cent, I feel like shit at the end. I know one thing for sure, I don’t belong with them. Even the fact, my family is not doing badly either at that moment but I understood the feeling of being mediocre and common once.

It feels like shit to brag about your new beemer or new mini when the truth is, they are just cars, not your pride not something that make you wiser. That time, as much as I enjoy the adrenalin rush, I just feel that I needed something meaningful. No scandals, no drama, no hatred, no backstabbing.

So here I am.

Happier. Yes, but sometimes lonely and in need of excitement.

When times like this come, I always tell myself, I need to be around my true friends. Not those who laughed with me and show their blank face when I am in trouble.

All that sweet words and I still wish I am still with them. Well sometimes.

Summit Open

Obama won! This show that America does not discriminate within skin colours anymore - which could be a good start. In my humble opinion, we should do the same. Stop discriminating within races and religions.

This is an except of a news that I read yesterday

Vatican City (AHN) - A three-day historic Catholic-Muslim summit will open Tuesday in Vatican City. To attend the talks are 48 religious leaders and scholars from the two faiths or 24 representatives each.

Leading the Catholic side is Cardinal Jean-Louis Tauran, while the Muslims will be headed by Mustafa Ceric, the Grand Mufti of Bosnia.

For more news, click here

This is a very good news for me. Being a Muslim, I feel dejected seeing another Muslim mocked other people religion and claimed suicide bombing and terrorising publics are one way to attain peace.

To me, not a single religion in the world (leave alone cults) teaches its follower to become corrupted, just follow the basic guideline and we will achieve peace. And respect is very important, it is okay if you don’t believe on what other religions says but at least show some respects to them.

Ok shit. I have to go. Meeting in 5 minutes.

Esteem Issues

Self esteem is one of my supreme issues although I am very good at camouflaging it. I don’t think no one can see through the stilettos and the shiny belt that I am having low self esteem.

Covering is good and it’s an essential especially when you have to face faces that would be more than happy to bring you down. Honestly I think everybody is dealing with the same problem, the differences lies on how you deal with it.

For me, I don’t have any defense mechanism. What I usually do when I feel insecure of lacking of self esteem is, I will run to the toilet. Either cry or smoke.

Now that you know, please don’t tell anyone that I bawled before meeting big shots for urgent meetings ok?

But what I don’t get is when some people overly use self defense mechanism. Let me give you an insight of what I am trying to say.

One of my colleagues can be categorized as a big size lady, not that we mind at all. We don’t and the truth is, it is not even a problem. But I guess, to her it is.

She started making uncomfortable remark about herself, saying things like despite her big size, she can really get any Caucasian any time or making statement like “ there’s no purpose of being skinny when you don’t know how to be good in bed”

What the mutherfucker statement is that?

I do know how she feels, I do know the feeling of not being attractive but being unattractive and trying too hard at the same is pathetic. Not to mention to be nasty like that.

Why can’t we just accept our flaws? Accept that we are not good enough and instead of denying, try to improve it.

One thing that I learn, it is painful to hear other people laugh at your flaws but it will be less painful if you join the laughter.

Stop and go

I am splitting into 4 this very moment. Everyone is calling my name asking for this and that. We are launching a new product tomorrow.

Promise I will be back soon.

In the mean time, why don't you ponder about the freed of Razak Baginda and the Najib success in becoming the new UMNO President?


Despite my short moment, I smell disaster. Otak Belacan, can I move to Singapore with you?