Being The Eldest

I am the eldest in the family thus making my position full of responsibility, which is not a big deal because I know I am capable to handle them. Unless when it comes to feeling.

 
Being the eldest means that I have to comply with my mum’s need. It’s not that I don’t want to but sometime I have my own things to do and have planned my own events. More than often I find myself sacrificing my own amusement to make my mother happy. Yet when I could not she would go berserk, refusing to talk to me for days and sometimes weeks. I even ran away from home once because the thought of seeing her and be ignored was unbearable.

 
I know it is my duty to please her but I also know it is not mine alone. What about the rest of the other siblings who always get away from doing things be it for her or with her. Sometimes when I seek for their help, they would throw me hundreds of excuses and at the end I will always be the one to be blamed.

 
Because I did not pull the family together.

 
It is not my intention to neglect my mum but I would be more than glad if she could understand that I needed to be treated fairly. It is not always I fail to fulfill her orders so silent treatment and cold stares are definitely not appropriate. And I would appreciate if she could not use phrases like “When it comes to you, I gave my best” because no matter how I want to believe them, the past always haunts me.

 
It is not easy to forget that you had to struggle on your own when you are only fifteen, knowing that you have a mother. It is not easy to forget you could not defend yourself towards the accusation that had been thrown to you knowing that your mother, who was supposed to be the one who defended you decided to listen and to acknowledge another party rather than her own child.

 
Maybe you see me as an ungrateful daughter but believe me, I love my mother maybe even more than I love myself.

 
Just that sometimes I need to feel appreciated.